Castletown man Mark Doheny is the resident LaoisToday comedian (well, the main one anyway) and he’s come up with some classic pieces for the site since we started last February.
As Ex Hurricane Ophelia gets set to hit the county, and with everyone holed up at home waiting for the storm to pass and hoping that that broadband doesn’t drop, we’ve picked out three of his best columns that are sure to give you a bit of a laugh.
Mark Doheny: 15 things you’ll remember if you went clubbing in Borris-in-Ossory
They just don’t make nightclubs any more like they used to.
We’re not saying that’s a good or bad thing – it depends on your own taste – but nightclubs in the 90s and the early 2000s had a certain, eh, charm.
We’re taking a trip down memory lane to a time when half the county descended on Borris-in-Ossory to dance the night away, look for the shift and either take part in or watch a ‘disagreement’ being resolved.
1. At various stages it was called Club Aquarius and Dannan, but it was only ever known as Borris.
2. It was always safer to drink a can or bottle than a pint, even if
the can and bottle were out of date.
3. It was one of the few clubs in the country that used to open on Christmas Night at midnight.
4. St Stephen’s night there always ended up in a row. Always.
5. It was always easier to get a box than it was to get the shift.
6. The Foam Parties were the only wash that the club floors ever got.
7. The mirrors on the side walls meant you could see too much at times.
8. ACDC’s Thunderstruck was one of the slow sets.
9. Shane McGowan played there in 2001, arrived two hours late, drunk and was still the best gig ever there.
10. If you went there you ate a burger from Mick Daly’s van in the car park.
11. By the early 2000s only people having an affair would stay in the hotel rooms.
12. Women from Roscrea were considered foreign and exotic.
13. Women from Knockaroo should be avoided til you knew who their brothers were.
14. No girl ever felt underdressed going to Borris.
15. Half the craic was the bus back to Rathdowney, Roscrea or Mountrath afterwards.
Mark Doheny: 17 lessons from playing hurling in Laois
From Castletown and surrounded by Laois hurling has many benefits. The life lessons learned from hurling in Laois are as good an education as you’ll get anywhere.
1. Wearing a helmet wasn’t always mandatory but was always recommended.
2. There was always one guy walked into the dressing room with his gear in a Clelands plastic bag even if he’d just been given a gear bag.
3. Corner backs were either slow, mental or both.
4. On the sideline if you were ever in doubt as to what to say, always roar “pull hard”.
5. On the pitch if you were ever in doubt as to what to do just pull hard.
6. Some lads with a hurl were dangerous. Some aul ones with an umbrella were even worse.
7. If you even thought about hitting anybody from Camross assume he’ll have at least three brothers on the team and think again. The same was the case with Clonaslee.
8. JJ Bailey reffed from the middle of the field but wasn’t the worst.
9. Ballypickas may be a funny name but they are serious men.
10. Peadar Cleary hurled for Errill until he was 60 and was always to be avoided on the pitch.
11. You could hear every word of abuse said about you on the bank in Rathdowney from the pitch.
12. For teams playing Castletown anyone that passed Tom Phelan wouldn’t get past Martin.
13. Several juvenile teams were lost trying to find the pitch in Trumera.
14. If you accidentally started a melee in a minor practice match against Roscrea you will hear about it for 20 years.
15. Portlaoise were the team everyone wanted to beat. Not because they were the best but because half of them were footballers and it was good to see them beat at something.
16. There was nothing more dangerous than playing hurling against a football club. They could legitimately take the head off you without even meaning to.
17. Camross are never easy beaten at any age or grade but it’s great when they are!
Mark Doheny: You might remember some of these things if you went to school in Ballyfin college
Did you go to school in Ballyfin College, long before it was one of the top hotels in the world?
Well, if you did, you’re sure to remember some of these nuggets.
- Canoeing on the lake happened for two weeks at the start of first year and then never again
- The GAA teams didn’t win much but beating the CBS the odd time more than made up for it
- Ex-footballers still have nightmares about Mr Tully’s training sessions
- Ms O’Connor and Ms Horan were the cool teachers
- Going to the Hop was the social event of the five years
- Nobody ever finished their grass collection for Ag Science
- People who transferred from Portarlington mid-year were great craic
- The 24-hour soccer marathon involved very little soccer.
- The handball alleys were great for “dispute resolution”
- Every ex-pupil has bored their friends and work mates telling them their “old school is now a luxury hotel”
- Considering the school was on an estate with hundreds of acres, lakes and woods, it was very hard to mitch class
- Brother Gerry was sound
- The Ballyfin girls uniform skirt circa 98-99 was the shortest in a three-county radius
- After school study mostly involved passing notes and little or no study
- If Brother Matthew used the word ‘codology’ you were on a strong warning
- We were great on Blackboard Jungle, that one year
- Andrew Strong was a famous past pupil
- Not getting stabbed during Technical Drawing was a success
- Anybody in Mr Canty’s class spoke French with a Cork accent
- 5th years were either responsible enough to be in Meitheal, cool enough not to be or “just trying to get into nursing”.
SEE ALSO – You’ll find even more great stuff from Mark Doheny here
